new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
