I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
