piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
