He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
