I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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