i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
