ya dads aren't the best wingmen
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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