dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
