Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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