Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
