found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
