the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
