Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
