and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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