remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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