oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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