you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
