Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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