Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
