The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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