im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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