just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Buhtt sex?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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