the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
