All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
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I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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