i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
