I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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