good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
