im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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