Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
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He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
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when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.