she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
