alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
