meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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