Your dad touched me again.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
