Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
