how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
