I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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