Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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