Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My vagina just clenched in fear
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
