Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
