im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
