she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
