I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
