I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
