Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
