VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
