I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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