I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
