im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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