That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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