Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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