i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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