I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
