I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
