A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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