New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
