Please, let me fuck your mom
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
