I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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