Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Randomize
