Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
