I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
honey bunches of taint.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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