I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
you made out with another girl for some wings
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
