ya dads aren't the best wingmen
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
