Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i think i have two assholes
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet