My hair reeks of homosexuality.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
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Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
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Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.